Hall of Fame
The all-time greatest jokes, ranked by reader love. The legends. The classics. The ones that made everyone groan and laugh in equal measure.
I asked my dad what the secret to a 40-year marriage was. He said, "We go out twice a week. Candlelit dinner, slow dancing."
"She goes Tuesdays. I go Fridays."
98% approval
How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only three. The rest are true stories.
98% approval
I told my boss that three companies were after me and I needed a raise. He asked which ones.
I said the electric, the gas, and the water company.
98% approval
Honorable mentions
Why did the doctor laugh at the X-ray?
Because it was humerus.
How did the programmer die in the shower?
He read the shampoo bottle: lather, rinse, repeat.
You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
Happy birthday!
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.
It's impossible to put down.
Interviewer: Describe yourself in one word.
Applicant: Hired.
What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A bad lawyer might let a case drag on for years. A good lawyer knows how to make it last even longer.
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
What's it called when you steal someone's coffee?
A mugging.
Oxygen and potassium went on a date.
It went OK.
A SQL statement walks into a bar. It sees two tables and says:
"Hey, can I join you guys?"
What goes "oh-oh-oh"?
Santa walking backward.
A customer walks into a bank and says, "Can you check my balance?"
The teller pushes him over.
I used to be a banker.
But I lost interest.
Recruiter: What's your biggest weakness? Applicant: I don't know when to quit. Recruiter: You're hired! Applicant:
I quit.
Are you made of copper and tellurium?
Because you are CuTe.
Retirement: the pay sucks,
but the hours are really good.
To err is human.
To blame it on someone else is management.